Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
