I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
