2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I only lived at night.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
