i jhust puked up my retainher.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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