we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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