Apparently you make a good broom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
