god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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