This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
