dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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