Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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