She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
