How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
