Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This baby is an asshole
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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