You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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