You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
this hospital has no fireball
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
