theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
