fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
