Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
