Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
