There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
