He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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