i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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