i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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