Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
