I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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