I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
