I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
