Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Randomize
