there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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