Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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