i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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