if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Someone shit on the floor
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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