my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
