I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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