Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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