areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just want nice things and good sex
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
