fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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