just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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