A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
