Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
