Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
