I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
