He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
