You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
