I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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