If i come over, it means nothing
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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