I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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