After last night, I could never be a politician.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
