I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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