I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
